Negotiated in good faith by people of questionable handicaps, assembled somewhere between the 19th hole and last call. Binding on all future rounds played in the spirit of the game.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all golfers are not created equal, and that’s okay.
Article I: Ready Golf is the Law For the love of God, always play ready golf. Not just on the tee, but on the fairway, on the green, in the pisser – hurry up, I gotta go.
Article II: Mulligan Amnesty I don’t give a shit if you mulligan. Take it. We’re not keeping track and nobody’s calling the USGA.
Article III: The DeVito Putt Don’t spend 15 minutes lining up a putt you’re going to DeVito anyway. You know it. We know it. Let’s move.
Article IV: Lift, Clean and Place Energy Muddy lie? Adverse conditions? Bad bounce? Lift, clean and place. Apply liberally and often.
Article V: This Isn’t Gold Rush Two minutes to look for anything lost, then we move on.
Article VI: 8s Are Celebrated A Snowman is to be celebrated. You tried. Life’s still great.
Article VII: The Gimme Economy Anything inside 3 feet is a automatic gimme. Unless it’s a birdie putt. We have some pride here.
Article VIII: Scoring Grace Write whatever number brings you joy. But know that nobody at this table believes that was a 5.
Article IX: Welcome Everyone Welcome the beginner, the rusty, the “I haven’t played in years.” Golf is hard enough without Gary grumbling from his cart. We were all bad once. Some of us still are. That’s the whole point.
Article X: The Only Stat That Matters The point is rounds scored, not the score in rounds.
Amendment I: Breakfast Ball The first tee mulligan is not a mulligan. It is a Breakfast Ball. It is constitutionally protected and shall not be counted, questioned, or remarked upon.